


Checkmate

by Azzy_Darling



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bad Relationship, M/M, Slavery, and lots of bad decisions, super heavy shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-24 16:10:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4926265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“John.” Kaidan said a little softer. “Look at me.” Shepard turned all the way around so he was face to face with Kaidan. “Do you want this to work?”<br/>“Yes.” Shepard whispered.<br/>“Then why are you giving me so much shit? I can’t help but to think that I was just your ticket out of Omega.” Kaidan said.<br/>“You weren’t, I wanted to come.” Shepard said reaching up to caress Kaidan’s cheek.<br/>“No, what you wanted was to escape Groto Ib-Ba.” Kaidan answered, his voice flat and devoid of any of the emotions shown in his face.<br/>“That too.” Shepard admitted, “But that was not why I came with you. And you know it!”<br/>“Really?” Kaidan sneered. “You could have fooled me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Noise

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to Omega Days, read that first or this will be really weird. So this was supposed to be a short 6 to 8 pages ficlet, but you know how it goes... 
> 
> Betaed by Asylumfarm
> 
> Art by: HeavenOnFire
> 
> There is a soundtrack [@8tracks](http://8tracks.com/darlingazzy/checkmate-fanfiction-soundtrack)
> 
> Definition of checkmate: A situation in chess in which a player loses the game because that player's king is in a position from which it cannot escape

_The scars of your love remind me of us_

_They keep me thinking that we almost had it all_

_Think of me in the depths of your despair_

_Make a home down there_

_As mine sure won't be shared_

_\- Adele_

* * *

 

The door slamming made Shepard cringe, not that the sound startled him; it was more the silence that followed. He wanted to shake Kaidan, wake him up. Shepard took a deep breath, and went straight to the kitchen and poured himself a drink.  This was not what he had pictured at all, and then again what had he pictured? That they lived happily ever after? Shepard frowned, there just wasn’t such a thing. It was a childish romantic fantasy, a nice one sure, but not terribly realistic, and absolutely not the reality.

For a moment he had really thought that he’d get to grow things, feel dirt between his fingers again. But he had been stuck in this shit apartment in Vancouver since he arrived. He had compensated with potted plants, but it just wasn’t the same.  They just made him sad, reminding him of the real thing. And when he looked at them now all he saw was living things stunted in their growth. Artificial freedom, life but not living. He really should get rid of them, plant them outside so they could grow wild and free. He poured himself another drink. Maybe he’d do just that.

-*-

When Kaidan returned, the apartment was dark, and Shepard was sitting on the kitchen counter flipping through channels on the TV, with an almost empty bottle of bourbon by his side. He looked up at Kaidan as he went through the living room and smiled a little guarded smile.

“Have you just been sitting here getting drunk all day?” Kaidan asked with disgust in his voice.

“Pretty much.” Shepard said flatly, disappointed that whatever fight wasn’t over. He needed this bickering to be over.

Kaidan frowned. “This is bullshit.” He mumbled.

“Yeah.” Shepard agreed without taking his eyes of the TV.

“Sometimes I don’t know why I even bother.” Kaidan growled before he turned and walked towards the bedroom.

Shepard sighed and turned off the TV, sitting in darkness for a moment before he ungracefully slipped from the kitchen counter, and wobbled into the bedroom. He could see Kaidan laying there with his back to the door. “I’m sorry.” Shepard whispered. Kaidan didn’t answer, but Shepard could tell he wasn’t sleeping. Shepard took a deep breath and sat down on the bed with his back to Kaidan.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? I don’t get it!” Kaidan finally yelled making Shepard flinch.

“I don’t know.” Shepard mumbled.

“You want me to go fuck someone else? Is that it?” Kaidan pushed Shepard’s shoulder hard, making the other man flinch harder.

“No.” Shepard turned so he had his side to Kaidan.

“John.” Kaidan said a little softer. “Look at me.” Shepard turned all the way around so he was face to face with Kaidan. “Do you want this to work?”

“Yes.” Shepard whispered.

“Then why are you giving me so much shit? I can’t help but to think that I was just your ticket out of Omega.” Kaidan said.

“You weren’t, I _wanted_ to come.” Shepard said reaching up to caress Kaidan’s cheek.

“No, what you _wanted_ was to escape Groto Ib-Ba.” Kaidan answered, his voice flat and devoid of any of the emotions shown in his face.

“That too.” Shepard admitted, “But that was not why I came with you. And you _know_ it!”

“Really?” Kaidan sneered. “You could have fooled me.”

“Are we really gonna have that discussion now?” Shepard sighed, looking up at Kaidan pleading.

“No let’s not.” Kaidan said in a sarcastic tone, getting up from the bed.

Shepard hung his head and ran a hand through his hair. “Alright! So okay let’s have this discussion right now!” He mumbled as he turned to look at Kaidan ripping through the drawers in the dimly lit room. “Who is Peter?”

Kaidan stopped dead, and his shoulders slumped but he didn’t turn to look at Shepard.

“Who is Peter?” Shepard repeated his voice shrill and scared.

“Someone I know.” Kaidan said calmly.

“I sorta already know that, I am asking you what he is to you?” Shepard yelled as he got up from the bed.

“A friend.” Kaidan said slowly turning around.

“Stop messing with my head!” Shepard screamed from the top of his lungs, “Stop fucking lying to me!”

Kaidan stared up and down Shepard; he was a far cry from the man he had met on Omega. “He is my lover.” He finally said, “Happy now?”

Shepard’s answer died on his lips, and he just stood there and stared wide eyed on Kaidan. “No.” He managed to whisper. He had known hadn’t he? Kaidan’s answer should not come as a shock, but still to hear him admit it so readily without as much as a twitch, made Shepard want to vomit. 

“Aren’t you gonna say something?” Kaidan said staring at Shepard, “ _Something_ John! Anything.”

Shepard just shook his head, “Suppose it’s my own fault.” He whispered under his breath.

Kaidan grabbed Shepard’s arm and twisted him around so they were face to face. “I fucked him right here in your bed.” He hissed.

“Oh.” Shepard whispered broken as he just stood there and stared from Kaidan’s angry brown eyes over at their bed and back up at Kaidan. Suddenly he pulled his arm out of Kaidan’s grasp, and fled the room, jogging to the kitchen and the last of his bourbon. He unscrewed the lid and downed it in greedy gulps.

“That is your answer?” Kaidan yelled from the doorframe.

Shepard tossed the bottle in Kaidan’s direction and it shattered on the wall right next to Kaidan’s head. “Fuck you!” He screamed.

Kaidan just stared at Shepard for a second before he crossed the room in a few angry strides, grabbing Shepard by the throat and slamming him up against the fridge.

                                    (art by [HeavenOnFire](http://gratuacuun.tumblr.com/))

 

Shepard let out a shivering breath, “Go on then.” He turned his head, closing his eyes. “You’re just like all the others.”

Kaidan tightened his grip. “You created this. You made me do it!” He growled; spit spraying on Shepard’s cheek.

“Fucking do it!” Shepard didn’t struggle; he just waited for the blow.

Kaidan panted and slowly let go of his grip. “Fuck you, John.”

Shepard rubbed his neck, and turned to stare at Kaidan.

“Peter is my fucking business associate; he works for the interstellar bounty collector’s office here on Earth.” Kaidan yelled, pushing Shepard’s shoulders pinning him to the fridge. “I can’t believe you were so ready to believe I was fucking him! Gods! Fuck!”

Shepard’s gaze went from angry to ashamed, and he looked away, down over at the glass shattered on the floor from the bottle. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.” He whispered.

“If you were sober for long enough, then maybe you would.” Kaidan said drily.

Shepard nodded as much as his position against the fridge would let him. “I love you.” He said, still not able to meet Kaidan’s eyes.

“If that was only enough.” Kaidan said softly, kissing Shepard’s temple.

Shepard let out another stuttering breath, “We can’t keep doing this.”

“No we can’t.” Kaidan whispered before he kissed Shepard’s soft lips, they tasted of bourbon but he didn’t care.

-*-

Kaidan had not noticed last night, but in daylight, he could see that every single potted plant was gone. It was as if they had never been there. He heard the coffee maker beep, but just stood and stared out over the living room. He heard John shuffle out into the bathroom and open the medicine cabinet.

Shepard downed two painkillers hoping it would do away with his splitting headache, his movements were sluggish and his feet unstable, okay so maybe he wasn’t totally sober yet. He put on a smile and walked into the kitchen where he found Kaidan leaned in over the counter in the nude. He walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around the other man, kissing his shoulder. “Good morning.” Shepard mumbled against Kaidan’s skin.

“Where are the plants?”

“What?”

“Where are the plants?” Kaidan turned around, forcing Shepard to step back, “Your plants, they are gone.”

“Oh... yeah.” Shepard shrugged casually. “Got tired of them.”

Kaidan just stared at Shepard, “That is such bullshit.”

“Does it matter?”

“Don’t start.” Kaidan almost begged.

“Alright.” Shepard sighed, “I planted them outside. Thought they’d grow better there.”

Kaidan’s phone let out a loud shrill making both men stare at the blinking screen. The screen just said Lawson, Kaidan snatched up the phone, “I have to get this.” He kissed Shepard’s cheek, “Hold that thought, and don’t you dare get dressed.”

Shepard rolled his eyes and just went for a cup while Kaidan answered his call. He could hear Kaidan laugh in the next room. Shepard stirred his cup, walking to the living room he picked up a remote and turned on the big TV, flopping down into the sofa mindlessly zapping through seven thousand channels of shit.

“Okay.” Kaidan came out from the bedroom. “I hope you won’t get upset, but I gotta go.” He tried to ignore Shepard’s annoyed expression. “Lawson is an old colleague and she happens to be in town, promised I’d go have brunch with her, and hear over this proposal she has.”

“Can I come?” Shepard asked softly.

“Well... uhm I suppose so.” Kaidan said with a little unsure smile, “Didn’t think you wanted to.”

“You thought wrong.” Shepard smiled and got up from the sofa.

“Alright then.” Kaidan pulled Shepard in for a hug and a kiss. “We better get going then.”

-*-

Shepard had promised himself he would try, he really would. He was tired of fighting, and he knew it was mostly because of him, he had a terrible time adjusting to earth, and to freedom. For the first couple of months he had hardly dared to go outside for fear that someone would grab him and bring him back to Omega. He was better now, but there was still all the family stuff he didn’t know how to do, and he didn’t know how to be a boyfriend either. He had never thought it would be this hard to live with someone else, but most of all it was idle hands, he was bored out of his skull and dealt with it badly. Shepard reached for Kaidan’s hand as they walked down the street to the café where they were having brunch, but Kaidan moved his hand away.

A beautiful dark haired woman already sat by a table outside, she waved at Kaidan whom waved back. They hugged and Shepard just sort of hung back waiting to be introduced. “This is John.” Kaidan said gesturing at Shepard, “My roommate.”

“Now that’s a first.” Miranda smiled wide, “Pleasure to meet you, I’m Miranda – Kaidan is an old friend of mine.”

“Likewise.” Shepard said, desperately wondering if they had been lovers.

They ordered food; Shepard just sat and soaked up the sun while Miranda and Kaidan caught up.  And he hardly noticed that Miranda was talking to him. “Hey?” She said.

“Oh Sorry.” Shepard smiled courteously as he focused at Miranda at his left.

“I asked you where you met Kaidan.” Miranda said.

“In a club.” Shepard said softly, “I am an exotic dancer.”

“Really?” Miranda’s smile widened.

“Really.” Shepard just stated.

“What were you doing in a club with male exotic dancers?” She asked Kaidan with laughter in her voice.

“Following a lead, you know how that goes.” Kaidan shrugged. “John needed somewhere to stay, and I need someone to water my plants when I’m out of town.”

Miranda nodded. “So where are you working?” She asked Shepard.

“I’m between jobs right now.” Shepard said politely.

“Okay.” Miranda said, “When you do get a job, let me know.” She chuckled, “I’d like to catch your show.”

“Will do.” Shepard said and for the first time since he arrived on Earth felt genuinely uncomfortable.

“So Kaidan, I didn’t call you here to catch up on old days.” Miranda said, “I have a lead that I’m sure you’d want.”

“Really? What will it cost?” Kaidan asked.

“For _you_ it’s almost free.” Miranda said with a knowing little smile.

Kaidan smiled back, which made Shepard want to just get up and leave, he had no desire to sit here and watch their twisted foreplay.

“Anyway.” Miranda said, leaning in over the table. “Nothing in this life is for free, Kaidan.”

“I see.” Kaidan nodded, “You gotta throw me something.”

“It’s about Saren.” Miranda smiled sweetly, sipping her coffee. Shepard looked down at his plate hoping they forgot he was here.

“I’ll bite.” Kaidan said without hesitation, “What’s your price?”

Miranda laughed softly, “I knew you would.” She lifted her cup to her lips with a smug expression, “We do this together, split 50/50. That is my price.”

Kaidan looked over at Shepard, but he was apparently lost in his own thoughts. “Alright – partner.”

Miranda split into a huge grin, “My source tells me that Saren is on Makhaira, it’s a small planet in the Hades Cluster. Now I don’t know why he is there, but it’s the mother of all payloads.”

Kaidan bit his lip. “Are you sure?”

“As sure as I can be.” Miranda said.

“You got a deal.” Kaidan said with no hesitation, he held up his coffee cup to salute Miranda. She saluted him laughing. “So when do we start?” He asked in all seriousness.

“Tonight?” Miranda said, “I’ve had enough of Vancouver.”

Kaidan turned his head and looked at Shepard who just stared down into his empty coffee cup. “Think you’ll manage alone?”

“Yeah.” Shepard mumbled, his body language was relaxed but his voice was anything but.

“Tell you what.” Miranda said, “I’ll pick you up in a couple of hours, think that would work? Give you some time to pack and sort things out.”

“That’ll work.” Kaidan nodded, getting up from his chair, hugging Miranda once more before he left, Shepard following him listlessly.

-*-

Shepard stood in the bedroom doorframe, looking at Kaidan packing. “Are you sure you can trust Miranda?” He asked carefully.

“Of course I am.” Kaidan said quickly looking up at Shepard, “I have worked with her on other cases before. She’s alright.”

Shepard nodded weakly. “Still.”

Kaidan tossed a sweater down into the bag, “If I can bring Saren in, then we’d be rich!” He walked over to Shepard, “Don’t you want a house with a garden?”

“I don’t know.” Shepard said, and then shook his head, “Not if it means you going after Saren.” He stared intently on Kaidan, “Do you know who her source is?”

“Relax, baby.” Kaidan laughed softly, pulling Shepard in for a loose hug. “Either I get him or I don’t. But it’s gonna be alright.”

“I’m just…” Shepard sighed.

“You’re being paranoid, and I find it all very flattering.” Kaidan chuckled as he kissed Shepard gently. “Good to know you care after all.”

“Of course I care!” Shepard hollered pushing Kaidan away, “I have not forgotten what Saren is, or what he is capable of. And I am telling you this is all wrong!” Shepard rubbed his face with his hands, and then reached out for Kaidan again, pulling him close, “Don’t go, please don’t go.”

“Don’t be silly.” Kaidan whispered, “I’m gonna be fine, and so are you.” He kissed Shepard again, “I can’t let Miranda take him in, he is _mine_.”

“If you go, I won’t be here when you get back.” Shepard said softly.

“What is that nonsense?” Kaidan asked, staring intently on Shepard who refused to meet his gaze.

“Don’t go.” Shepard insisted shaking Kaidan lightly. “I have a bad feeling about that friend of yours okay?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kaidan pushed Shepard off him, “I trust Miranda more than I trust you.”

“Aha.” Shepard sucked in his breath, “There we have it then.”

“You are the one talking nonsense!” Kaidan argued.

“I survived in places you cannot even fucking imagine, and I only survived because I trusted my instincts!” Shepard yelled, “I am telling you something is off about her!”

Kaidan laughed, “You’re jealous, that’s cute.” He shook his head, went back to his bag, and resumed packing.

“Keep telling yourself that.” Shepard growled and left the bedroom, aiming straight for the kitchen to find the bottle of vodka that he hid away.

Soon after Kaidan came back into the living room and tossed his bag on the sofa. “I should have left you in that hospital.” He muttered.

“Yeah maybe you should have!” Shepard sneered.

Kaidan stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at Shepard, “I’d take that back if I were you.”

“Or else?” Shepard spat back. “You’ll ignore me? Belittle me? Hit me?” Kaidan just stood rooted to the spot and looked at Shepard. “You don’t understand!” Shepard yelled, “I wanted to come with you, I wanted to - I wanted a future with you. I was so in love that I didn’t even see the cage you stuck me in.” Shepard tossed his glass on the ground so it splintered at his feet, and took a large gulp from the vodka flask instead.

“John...” Kaidan took a step closer to Shepard.

“No!” Shepard yelled, “I still want all those things, but you don’t! You told your parents and your friends I’m your goddamn roommate! What the fuck Kaidan?”

“And you are.” Kaidan argued, “With benefits.”

“Benefits huh?” Shepard started laughing, but he sounded anything but amused. “Next you’re gonna tell me I’m not boyfriend material right?”

“It’s not like that.” Kaidan said, stepping closer yet. “My parents would die from shock, surely you –“

“No I don’t!” Shepard hissed. “And I don’t have to!”

“Come on John, you’re always drunk and acting weird, I can’t bring you with me to my friends or parents’ house.” Kaidan said with a frown.

“That is _not_ true!” Shepard screamed from the top of his lungs, “Stop with the fucking lies!” He pointed at Kaidan with a trembling finger, “I know what you’re thinking! You’re thinking that I’m some skanky space trash, all I’m good for is fucking.”

“Do you really think I would have installed you in my fucking apartment and shared my life with you, if that was the case? Seriously John?” Kaidan yelled. “I gave you all this! I gave you a fresh start!”

“You gave me fuck all Kaidan!” Shepard yelled conflicted between tossing his vodka at Kaidan and his stupid overbearing smile and drinking it.

“Oh my God! All this shit because of Miranda.” Kaidan shook his head and walked out the kitchen. “You better get with the fucking program John. I am going to go after Saren, and that is final.”

“Alright.” Shepard said with a muddled voice, “I’m done.”  He walked out into the living room to where Kaidan stood. “I’m done with this shit! With this misery, with Vancouver – with you!”

“You don’t mean that.” Kaidan sighed.

“Yes I do!” Shepard said but his voice packed less heat than before.

“Come on.” Kaidan walked over to Shepard and wrapped his arms around him. “You’re just scared, and no one blames you.”

Shepard sighed and leaned up against Kaidan, “I wish you’d fucking hear what I said sometime.”

“I do hear you.” Kaidan whispered, “But I’m doing this.” He ran a hand through Shepard’s hair.

“Then so am I.” Shepard mumbled.

“When I come back, I promise I’m done hiding.” Kaidan whispered, cupping Shepard’s face with his hands, “ _we’re_ done hiding.”

Shepard made a sound that was somewhere between a chuckle and a sob. He wanted to call Kaidan out for just saying what he thought he’d want to hear. But they both knew that Shepard would probably still be here when Kaidan came back, stuck in this dysfunctional limbo. Truth is that when they were good they were stellar, nothing in the world compared to how they felt when the stars aligned. But the valleys were as deep as the mountains were high, and one day it would not be enough. Shepard just wasn’t sure that this was that time, even if he tried. 

The doorbell buzzed and Kaidan kissed Shepard gently. “Miranda is here.” He whispered, “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

Shepard sighed and shook his head, “I can’t promise that.”

“Dammit John, I thought we already talked about that.” Kaidan sighed annoyed.

“No we didn’t, _you_ did.” Shepard shrugged. “Do you really think I’m gonna sit here and wait while you piss off to the ass-end of the universe and fuck that chick?”

“Stop that!” Kaidan yelled, “I am not fucking her!”

“Right.” Shepard crossed his arms over his chest.

“I don’t have time for your insecurities right now.” Kaidan said sternly as he pushed the button on the door “I’m there in two shakes.”

“Alright” Miranda said through the intercom.

“This is crazy!” Shepard yelled, “She is a little twofaced bitch, and why do you want to invite Saren into our lives again? I don’t get it Kaidan!”

“Shut up!” Kaidan yelled back as he grabbed his bag. “Okay listen, I hope you are here when I get back, but if you aren’t – “He looked up at Shepard with sad but hard eyes. “I guess it can’t be helped.”

“Yeah.” Shepard mumbled, “Take care.” He grabbed Kaidan’s arm, “Promise me you’ll remember this when she stabs you in the back.”

“God! John! Stop it with the paranoia.” Kaidan laughed, “She won’t, we worked together several times before. She was always a loyal friend.”

“Everyone has a price.” Shepard said acidly. “And you clearly don’t know Saren and his accomplishes very well after all.”

Kaidan shook his head, “I gotta go.” He kissed Shepard swiftly, “Please be here when I get back.”

Shepard didn’t answer; he didn’t know what to say, so he just watched as the door closed behind Kaidan.

-*-

Moments after Kaidan left the doorbell rang again, Shepard answered it out of habit. “Who’s there?”

“It’s Miranda, can I come up? I really need to borrow your bathroom.” She paused, “It’s a long drive to the spaceport.”

“Where’s Kaidan?”

“In the car,” Miranda said, “Come on man. I really gotta –“

Shepard bit his lip, everything inside him screamed not to open the door. But maybe Kaidan was right, that he was just being paranoid and hating Miranda for all the wrong reasons, so he pushed the buzzer and opened the door.

“Hey?” Miranda said into the dark living room. “It’s just me. Thank you for letting me up.”

“No problem.” Shepard answered from the kitchen, his eyes going from his bottle to the drawer with knives. He didn’t want to offend her in case he was wrong, but it was hard to overwrite the urge to just run.

Miranda came into the kitchen and Shepard’s reaction was to reach for the knife drawer handle, he was wound tighter than a bowstring. “A knife, really? Shepard.”

“Sorry.” Shepard said but didn’t let go of the handle. In a split second, he realized that Miranda had never been introduced to him as Shepard. But it was a second too late, 50.000 volts coursed through his body and he heard the crackle of the Taser before he passed out, knocking over the bottle of vodka in his fall.

-*-

Kaidan sat waiting in the car humming along to a tune on the radio, and didn’t really notice Miranda until she opened the car door. “I’m surprised he let you in.” Kaidan laughed.

“And it was not a second too early.” Miranda laughed.

“Was he okay?” Kaidan asked. “He was sorta upset when I left,” He shrugged, “He doesn’t know anyone here, and he can’t really find work so you know he gets lonely when I leave.”

“Understandable.” Miranda nodded. “But I’m sure he’ll think of something to do.”

“Yeah you’re right.” Kaidan mumbled, “Anyway, let’s go.”

-*-

When Shepard woke, he was no longer in Kaidan’s apartment, it was a hotel room or something, and he hadn’t seen someone in the room before he heard the beep of a phone and a deep voice saying ‘he’s awake’. Shepard’s head throbbed like he had been drinking for a couple of days non-stop.

The door opened and a bulky man came into the dimly lit room. “Shep, good to see you.” He said, his voice was friendly and familiar.

Shepard blinked as would it sharpen his sight. “Where am I?”

“That isn’t important.” The voice said, and finally he stepped out into the light.

“James!” Shepard gasped; a cold shiver went down his spine. “How did… why… I mean – fuck.”

“All I know is that Groto paid good credits to have you back.” James said as he sat down on the opposite bed, looking at Shepard.

“Kaidan is walking straight into a trap.” Shepard whispered.

“I’m afraid so.” James nodded, “But that’s the past, if I were you I’d worry about the future.”

Despair washed in over Shepard like an oppressive force of ten tons. “I can’t go back there.” He whispered. “Shoot me! Tell them you had to because I tried to run.”

James shook his head, “You aren’t going back to Omega.”

Shepard slumped down into the bed, “Then where?”

“Back to your master.” James said, “Back to Jalnor.”

“No!” Shepard cried, hiding his face behind his arm.

“Consider that lenient for what you did to Skarr.” The man by the door said sourly.

“It’s true,” James said softly, “The boss man is still pretty upset about that.”

Shepard didn’t even have to ask why James did what he did, like he had said to Kaidan – everyone has a price.

“So, consider this a favor because I personally happen to like you.” James pulled out a syringe and popped the lid. “It’ll let you relax for most the journey.”

“But you were in that bunker too.” Shepard whispered.

“I was.” James said with a tiny sad smile, “It was sad that I had to shoot Jack, she was a nice piece of ass.”

“Of course.” Shepard groaned, he had never in a million years thought that James might be a double agent, set to ferret out those less loyal to the cause.

“So.” James said, “Do you want it?”

“Yeah.” Shepard muttered holding out his arm in the space between the beds.

-*-

Shepard was floating, the world was warm and soft, and he felt engulfed in a cocoon, no matter how James and the other man manhandled him, it didn’t hurt. The man by the door whom Shepard didn’t know pushed him down in the mattress and forced himself on him. Not even with this unwelcome intrusion did Shepard flinch; he closed his eyes and felt mostly like a numb ragdoll. He didn’t care about what that man did to him, he turned his head and looked at James who still sat on the other bed, it took Shepard a moment to realize he was cleaning his gun. The man above him pulled his head back by his hair. It stung slightly, but mostly he wanted to wipe the drool from his mouth.

“Shit, he’s like fucking a glass of water.” The man growled annoyed.

“What did you expect? I gave him enough red sand to knock out a horse.” James said calmly. “Maybe you should find something else to entertain yourself with?”

“Fuck!” The man hit Shepard hard in his side.

“Come on man! We can’t hand over broken merchandise.” James said harshly. “Finish up so we can get going.”

The man angrily pushed Shepard away, and then leaned in over to whisper in his ear. “I’ll be back for you, and you _will_ struggle, and you _will_ scream.”

James laughed, “Don’t kid yourself man, the second we hand him over, you couldn’t afford his ass even if you wanted to.”

The man shook his head and went back to his seat while he tucked himself back in his pants.

Shepard stared at the orange light from the nightstand for a while before he drifted off in a haze matching the hue of the lamp.

-*-

Next time he woke he was in a cargo cage in some spaceship. There were only emergency lights but he could feel his entire body ache. A shiver went down his back when he recalled the man in the hotel room, who knows what he would have been capable of had James not been there.  Shepard thought of Kaidan’s loving brown eyes and little cute smile, cursing the day he ever went with him. He should have left it alone from the beginning, he should have known better than to believe in love or a normal life. He honestly didn’t know how to adjust to this again, he wasn’t sure he ever could. If only Kaidan had listened to him when he had said there was something dodgy about that Miranda chick. Tears of despair pooled in his eyes, he missed Kaidan, he missed his stupid potted plants, hells he even missed Kaidan’s parents balcony. He hid his head behind his knees, biting down on his hand as his body trembled with sobs.

Someone kicked the crate, “Awake huh?” The hard voice said with a mocking laugh, “Shame I don’t have time to sample you now. Would have been so much more fun.”

Shepard bit harder down on his hand, he refused to give that man the satisfaction.

The man came around and hunched down in front of the crate’s door, staring at Shepard. “Poor John Shepard.” He chuckled, “Does your ass hurt?” He knew it was wrong, but Shepard still kicked the crate as hard as he could, but that only made the man laugh harder.  “I’ll take that as a yes.”

James came into the cargo hold of the ship and placed a hand on the other man’s shoulder. “Go get something to eat or something.” He said.

“Whaddaya know? It’s your knight in shining armor.” The man laughed at Shepard before he slowly stood and left.

James sat down where the man had sat before, “Hey, Shep.” He said, “We’re almost ready to enter Lorek airspace.”

“I’ll do anything.” Shepard whispered brokenly, “But that man…”

“I know… he is not right in the head.” James said sadly, “Tell you what, I’ll give you another injection if you promise me to behave at the customs claim.”

Shepard nodded. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” James risked a little smile. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I sorta almost _liked_ Alenko.” He sighed and leaned up against the crate, “If you play your cards right I’m pretty sure you can still survive this. Groto want you back, so you have some value to him. Remind him of your value, and he will maybe let you off with a light punishment.”

“What will happen to Kaidan?” Shepard whispered.

“I don’t know.” James said, “But Saren wants him bad” He turned his head and looked directly at Shepard, “He’s probably already dead.”

Shepard sighed feeling his chest contract in an odd empty feeling that would never have release. “He’s an idiot, he should have listened to me. I was on to Miranda – “

“As I said; worry less about that, and more about yourself.” James said, his voice became a whisper. “There are worse fates than Jalnor or death.”

Shepard looked up at James with red eyes from crying. “You mean Purgatory?”

“Yeah.”

Shepard nodded, he recalled several people, which has displeased Groto, had been sent to Purgatory, not as inmates but as toys for the inmates to entertain themselves with, and the warden would look the other way if the price was right. For him it must have been win/win, the inmates were preoccupied and he raked in a fortune.

“But as I said, just remind Groto of your value, and you’ll be fine.” James said soothingly.

Shepard laughed with a little controlled haughty sound.

“Don’t be like that, I’m sure you can do it.” James said with a soft smile, “You’ll always have me in your corner, right?”

“You’re staying on Jalnor?” Shepard asked surprised.

“Yes.” James said, “After I ended my contract on Plastique, then I went back to stay with Groto here on Jalnor. I go where the most credits are and preferably where the risks are low.”

“You’re a mercenary, I should have seen that.” Shepard smiled a little tiny smile.

“And you have more balls than all of Omega, I should have seen that.” James said in dead seriousness. The ship made a screeching noise and James got to his feet. “Remember what I said; behave when we land, and I will give you more to relax on.”

“You got it.” Shepard nodded weakly, in truth then his heart hammered so hard he was worried he’d pass out. It had been so many years since he had been here. Not since he had first been captured and was re-schooled for his new purpose. Not a happy time. He hated Jalnor with everything in him.

The man and James arrived in the cargo bay and opened the crate to let Shepard out. They slapped a buzzing collar on him and hauled him along, Shepard couldn’t help but to worry about the buzzing sound, he reckoned it was electricity but he couldn’t be sure.

They stopped in front of a bored looking Batarian. “James Vega and Kai Leng reporting back with a runner.”

The bored Batarian looked Shepard up and down. “Mark.” He said. And Shepard dutifully pulled down in his pants to show his hip and the brand. “Alright. I’ll need your papers.” He addressed Shepard’s guardians.

Shepard just stood there and looked out over Jalnor’s spaceport; it was a bustle of families hugging, people fighting, slaves hurrying after their masters with their arms full of suitcases. He hoped Kaidan was all right, he hoped that he had discovered Miranda’s treachery before Saren could get to him. Maybe he was at home in the apartment thinking that Shepard had made good on his threat to leave. Yeah he hoped so, he hoped that Kaidan was a little sad, but alive and well. Even if they hadn’t had the life together that they both had wanted, hells they hadn’t even had the romance they had dreamt of, then he loved Kaidan in his own broken ways. He was brutally ripped from his daydreams when Leng pulled his chain, “Come along, darling.” He smiled wide, “We’re clear.”

Shuffling after Leng, Shepard felt a sharp pin prick in his side, he looked over his shoulder to see James smile at him and nod. An unnatural calm flushed through his system and with a wide smile, Shepard realized that James had made good on his promise. Just a moment ago he had been sad and frightened, and not he was walking on warm clouds, his body weightless and perfect. Yeah this would be all right.

-*-

Everything was a pleasant blur, the drive to Groto’s mansion to the other slaves getting him dressed as Groto preferred. He looked down on the floor seeing the shirt that Kaidan had gotten him, discarded in the corner he frowned. “Smile!” A slave woman said urgently. Shepard nodded, there was just something so sad about the last link he had with Kaidan laying there on the tile floor.

He was guided into a room which he knew to be Groto’s office, for a second he just stared at Groto he had completely forgotten what he looked like. Luckily, James was quick to take over. “Here is your runner.” He said as he came to stand next to Shepard.

Groto looked intently at Shepard, all four eyes trained on the man in front of him. “He is damaged goods. Put him in the cage and cart him out for the next market.” Groto said.

“Wait.” Shepard whispered, and quickly added “Master.”

“Give me one good reason slave.” Groto said, “You caused nothing but problems.”

“Forgive me.” Shepard breathed and got to his knees with such haste that his knees slammed down into the floor with a sickening sound.

“He knows his plants.” James said softly at his side, “He could tend your garden if his appearance displeases you.”

Groto nodded his head, “Is that true?”

“Yes Master.” Shepard peeped, “I grew up a terraformer.”

For a long time Groto was silent, but then nodded, “I will give you _one_ chance.”

“Thank you, thank you.” Shepard mumbled.

“Take him to Sonis and ask her to put him to work.” Groto said.

“Right away.” James said hauling Shepard to his feet again.

-*-

Shepard followed James towards the maintainer staff’s rooms. “Thank you.” He whispered.

“Hey it wasn’t solely for you.” James said with a shrug, “Maybe I wanted you to stick around a little longer.” He smiled down at Shepard.

Shepard smiled back but his smile didn’t meet his eyes. Of course, James wanted something for this favor.

“You Sonis?” James asked as they entered the quarters seeing an important looking Batarian standing behind a desk.

“I am.” Sonis said, “What have we here?”

“This is Shepard, the runner.” James said flatly. “Groto reassigned him to you.”

“By the brute’s balls.” Sonis sighed, “Alright Shepard, do you even know the first thing about anything other than lying on your back?”

Shepard had the decency to look away from Sonis and nodded, “Plants.” He mumbled, “I can garden.”

“Really?” Sonis said, “Well that’s something.” She sighed and rubbed her temples, “Alright wash that gold shit off, you look like a harem whore, and I’ll go find some proper clothes for you – and then we’ll see if your claim is real or not.”

“Yes.” Shepard said softly, “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet kid.” Sonis said nodding at James, “Take him out back, hose him down and I’ll be there in a moment.”

“You got it.” James said, grabbing Shepard’s arm hauling him off to the back door.

-*-

The water was ice cold and Shepard shivered, taking large gulps of air to not scream and jump out of the water ray. “Turn.” James said flatly, and Shepard did. He closed his eyes and involuntary arched his back as the ray hit him there.

“Done.” James said and turned off the hose.

Shepard just stood there and shivered, blinking water out of his eyes, covering himself with his hands.

“I somehow didn’t think this was how I’d see your ass again.” James laughed.

“Not funny.” Shepard replied his teeth clattering from the cold, but he couldn’t help but to chuckle.

Sonis showed up with her arms full of clothes and a pair of shoes. “I hope this fits.” She said as she handed the clothes to Shepard.   “And if it doesn’t, too bad.”

“Thank you.” Shepard said as he reluctantly gave up on covering his modesty and accepted the pile of clothes.

-*-

Four days later Shepard had settled in, gotten his own cot, met the other slaves who took care of Groto’s vast garden, and even gotten a smile from Sonis because she for once got a competent worker.

“Hey Shepard.”

Shepard put down his rake and turned around to see James behind him. “Hey Vega. What brings you out here?”

“Your pretty smile.” James said with a grin.

“Yeah right.” Shepard chuckled.

“This outfit does nothing for you,” James looked up and down Shepard in his brown coveralls two sizes too big and bare feet.

“It’s not supposed to be appealing.” Shepard stated flatly.

“No shit.” James shook his head, “Anyway I have something to tell you.” He grabbed Shepard’s arm, “In private.”

“I can’t leave.” Shepard pulled his arm lose. “You can tell me here.”

James shrugged. “If you want to.” He took a deep breath, “A little bird told me that Kaidan gave them the slip.”

Shepard lit up in a huge smile, “That’s fantastic!”

“’Except it’s not.” James said darkly, “You are the only one who knows his private life, and ergo his whereabouts, where his family lives and so forth.” He caressed Shepard’s cheek gently, “I am telling you that they are going to come here and _will_ get you to talk.”

All color drained from Shepard’s face.

James looked over his shoulder and back at Shepard, “I can’t help you, I’m sorry. I can only warn you.”

Shepard looked up at James with large frightened eyes, “What if I told you what I know?”

James shook his head, “Doesn’t work that way.”

“Fuck.” Shepard whined, raking a trembling hand through his hair, “When are they coming?”

“Could be now, could be in a week, I honestly don’t know.” James said, and then pulled Shepard in closer. “What you need to do is decide how hard it’s gonna be on you. How much you are willing to go through for Kaidan. Or ask yourself how much he’d go through for you?”

“Fuck, I don’t know that!” Shepard whispered.

“Do you love him?” James asked seriously, “Do you _seriously_ think he loves you?”

“I... Maybe,” Shepard whispered with rising desperation, “No… I don’t know… I’m not sure. Shit!”

“My point exactly.” James whispered back, “You don’t have to protect him. Look Shep, you have no value anymore. The only ones who think anything of you is me and Sonis, and we have absolutely fuck all authority.” James whispered.

“Vega.” Kai Leng stood a couple of meters away, his arms crossed over his chest. “Fancy seeing you here.”

James turned around to look at his colleague shrugging. “I paid good money for my time here.” He said as he squeezed Shepard’s wrist.

“Really?” Leng said, “What a shame.”

“For you that is.” James said, “I want my money’s worth.”

“You can have him afterwards; I can have someone drop him off.” Leng said, staring at James and Shepard.

“No deal.” James said, “I don’t want your leftovers.”

Leng sighed and then nodded, “Alright, but be quick about it.”

“I will take absolutely as long as I fucking well please.” James said hauling Shepard with him towards the main house.

They walked in silence to a room that was empty, “This is as good as any.” James said and pushed Shepard inside, knowing that Leng had eyes and ears everywhere. Once inside he pulled Shepard to the far end of the room. “I didn’t think it would be this fast.” He whispered.

“Fuck.”

“Alright let’s think about this.” James whispered, “This is a concubine bedroom.” He spun around and went directly for the bedside table. “Come over here!” He said harshly making Shepard hurry to his side. “Make no mistake, Leng doesn’t trust me, and he will have spies around everywhere.” James whispered in a breath. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he kicked down the door to see if I helped you escape or something.”

Shepard opened his mouth to say something but James hushed him with a hand over his mouth. “You just listen, you know as well as I do that the concubines always have that heavy aphrodisiac close by just in case. There are two of those pills here. Hide them under your tongue and bite down on them when he starts, maybe it will relieve you a little. Sadly it’s the best I can do.”

“Alright.” Shepard whispered behind James’ hand, as he started to undo James’ belt.

“What are you doing?” James whispered.

“Trust me.” Shepard whispered.

 

-*-

 

“Shep?” James whispered, wetting Shepard’s lips with a wet cloth, “John?”

Shepard opened the eye that wasn’t shut from swelling.

“You’re alright.” James smiled wide, “You did it.”

Shepard closed his eye and frowned, “No.”

“What are you talking about? Of course you did, you’re right here!” James tenderly pushed some wayward hair out of Shepard’s face. But to James’ surprise Shepard started crying, that was something he had never seen before, the closest ever had been in the crate in the freighter. “What’s wrong?”

“Those poor people.” Shepard whispered.

“Who cares?” James whispered back caressing Shepard’s cheek, “Your job is done. Leave it be. It’s in the past now.”

“I have to warn them…”

“You can’t.” James said softly, “Please listen to me, it’s in the past. All you have to do now is mend, and then find some peace in this life.”

Shepard snorted offended. “Leave me the fuck alone.”

“Alright.” James said putting down the wet cloth on the floor. “I’ll be back to check on you tomorrow.”

Shepard stared up into the ceiling, his entire body hurting every time he took a breath, he willed himself not to think about what happened, but failing as all he could think about was the same fate would await Kaidan’s poor, parents. Those nice people in their tidy apartment, those people who were so proud of Kaidan’s police work – not aware of what he did for real. Those poor people who had taken him in when he had first come to Earth, they had taken time to show him normal stuff for Earth families and never once laughed at him for being dumb. Kaidan’s mother had even called him son more than once. He had sold those people out. Self-preservation had kicked in at the outmost moment. If Kaidan hadn’t hated him before he would now.

-*-

A month later as Shepard was washing up, holding the hose over his head, getting somewhat used to the ice-cold water over time, he saw a figure out of the corner of his eye. He twirled around spraying the person with water as he turned. As he saw who it was, he paled. His heart beat so fast he thought he would pass out and it was with shaking hands that turned off the water. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

“It’s fine, I startled you.” Kai Leng said from the shadows.

“Please I told you everything I know.” Shepard said holding up his hands in front of his person.

“I know you did.” Kai Leng said with a little appreciative smile. “That’s not why I’m here. Get dressed.”

Shepard blinked confused, but did as asked. He followed as Leng asked him to, all the time prepared for sudden pain or worse.

“Tense?” Leng chuckled, “Relax Shepard, I’m not here to hurt you.” When Shepard just stared at him dumbfounded, Leng laughed in earnest. “I only hurt people if I’m paid for it.”

“What happened to Kaidan’s parents?” Shepard asked with a tiny voice.

“Nothing yet.” Leng said shrugging again. “So aren’t you curious as to what I have to say?” he smiled.

“Yes.” Shepard said looking down at his feet in the grass, ashamed.

“Okay I’m throwing you free information here, not because I owe it to you, but because of something you said when we uhm… had our little chat.” Leng said. “So let me tell you how we found you.” He paused and stared at Shepard in the dim light, “We found you because we could tell that the same ID kept checking your bounty. So I sent this ID a message asking if they had any solid information on your location, because then they could collect a third of the bounty.”

Shepard sat down on a flower crate, just watching Kai Leng not sure what to believe.

“The person answered back that they didn’t have any information as of now.” Leng said, but as we did a more thorough search into this ID we found it to be Kaidan Alenko, and then we knew.”

“He – he checked what I was worth on the market?” Shepard whispered.

“Yes.” Leng nodded, “So for the guilt you might have for telling me what you did, don’t. He is a lying bastard, and would have sold you out if the price was right.”

“He wouldn’t” Shepard argued, “He just checked to see if anyone was still looking.”

Leng shrugged yet again, “You can tell yourself that.” He grabbed Shepard’s jaw hard, forcing him to look up at him, Shepard hardly dared breathe, recalling the touch of those leather gloves all too well. “I met a lot of people in my life, and I’m telling you that he was gonna sell you out.” Kai Leng smiled “I see what Vega sees in you, you got _some_ balls, you really do.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Shepard asked with a muddled, confused tone.

“Because I was paid to.” Leng said matter-a-factly, “I even gave a discount because I hate liars and assholes like Alenko, that simple.”

“Who?” Shepard asked urgently, not really expecting an answer. “Who paid you?”

“Can’t tell you that darling.” Kai Leng smiled amused. “I was paid to tell you what I knew about how we found you, and I have.” He let go of Shepard and stepped back.

“I just don’t understand…” Shepard mumbled mostly to himself, rubbing his face with his hands. “How, why... I thought that…”

“I’m not a therapist.” Kai Leng said, “That little shit has everything coming to him. I’ll even throw in an extra punch for you if you want me to – pro bono.”

“Thanks I suppose.” Shepard whispered hesitantly, feeling an insane laughter bubble up inside – this was crazy! Kai Leng was the motherfucker who… who had broken his body and spirit in one, he had subjected him to pain he didn’t even know existed before. He _hated_ Kai Leng, and yet why was he standing here all civil making so much fucking _sense_? Maybe he was going crazy. But it all just sat so right and so wrong inside him.

Shepard sat in the garden staring out into the air long after Kai Leng had left, was it really true? Or was Kai Leng just messing with his head? But what could he possibly gain by that? It was true wasn’t it? Their relationship had never been good, and the last couple of months it had been downright terrible. Maybe that was Kaidan’s way of distancing himself so he wouldn’t feel bad when he sold him out. Maybe he knew that Miranda was a double agent all along.

 


	2. Where wild things grow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading =) 
> 
> and heavenonfire got her happy end.

Shepard settled into a routine, finding himself almost content, he would work all day in the garden, no one bugged him, and he was left to himself and the plants mostly. He got to eat every day and slept on a cot, that was more than most slaves had, and he was okay really. Sonis trusted his knowledge so much she even asked his advice now and then. Sometimes James came to visit but he never stayed for long, it was mostly them having a swift talk while Shepard worked. As time went by, he reflected on the things that Kai Leng had told him. That Kaidan was just waiting for the right price, and the more he thought about it the more reasonable it became till he accepted it as truth. Kaidan had sold him out in a roundabout way. As angry as that made him, it also gave him peace as he stopped worrying about what happened, and whose fault it was that things had gone sour. The only regret he had was that he ever believing Kaidan’s bullshit.

Autumn was in the air on Jalnor, and he finished work early for the day. He found James waiting with Sonis at the barracks. “Shepard!” James called waving him over.

“James, Sonis.” He said with a smile setting down his bucket, “What caused this honor?”

Sonis gave James a stern glare and then turned and disappeared into the barracks. “Come.” James cheered, “I want to show you something.” He grabbed Shepard’s wrist and started to walk down towards the east corner of the garden.

“Wait...” Shepard laughed, “What is it?”

“You’ll see.” James said grinning, “It didn’t exactly come cheap.”

“Oh really?” Shepard’s interest was piqued, “What is it man?”

“A present.” James said. “Stop.” Shepard stopped and James came to stand behind him, he put his hands over Shepard’s eyes. “Alright slowly forward. I‘ll guide you.”

“Okay.” Shepard said with laughter in his voice. They walked for a moment, Shepard stumbling but James holding him tight so he didn’t fall. Finally, they stopped, and James removed his hands from Shepard’s eyes, “Alright you can look now.”

Shepard opened his eyes and found a basket of food. He turned and looked at James, “You made this?”

“I did.” James said nervously scratching the side of his neck, “You like it?”

Shepard split in a huge grin, “I love it.” He almost attacked the basket, “Oh it’s meat! Do you have any idea how long it has been since I had actual meat?”

James sat down opposite Shepard smiling as Shepard dug through the basket with childish enthusiasm. “Where the hell did you get all this?”

“Around.” James said with a sly grin.

Shepard pulled his hands back to his lap, and looked up at James with mistrust written all over his features. “And this is a present?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t want anything in return?” Shepard asked feeling slightly bad as James winced, but then shook his head. “Are you sure?” Shepard asked again just to be absolutely sure.

“It’s for you, no payment required.” James said softly. “Dig in.”

“Holy fuck.” Shepard laughed relieved, and then started to take stuff up from the basket. “Fruit that isn’t rotten! This is amazing!”

James just sat and watched Shepard eat; he experimentally picked up a piece of meat and held out his hand, “Here. Open your mouth.”

Shepard gave him a sideways glare, and suddenly he turned from enthusiastic to skittish and he hesitantly leaned forward to eat the meat from James’ hand.

“Come on, no need for that.” James said with a disappointed frown as Shepard’s lips closed around the meat and his fingers. “You don’t have to.”

Chewing the meat Shepard sat back, he was burning to call James out, he had promised there was no payments for this, and still he did something like that.

“I’m sorry.” James said with a sigh, “Shit I’m bad at this, aren’t I?”

“At what?” Shepard asked, still guarded and had not taken more food from the basket, just in case.

“Charming you.” James laughed as his ears turned red, “Alright the cat is out of the bag I suppose.”

“Oh!” Shepard stopped smiling and even moved a little away from the food, his voice dropped to a mumble. “I wish you wouldn’t.”

“Why?” James asked tilting his head studying Shepard. “Don’t you ever get lonely here? I could –“

Shepard looked down into the grass, how he wished he had never come here, that he had never eaten any of the food. Maybe he should just give James what he obviously wanted, he just wasn’t sure he was ready for it, he wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready for it again. “James I –“

“It’s fine.” James sighed heavily.

“Please don’t think I’m ungrateful.” Shepard said, his voice a little too shrill for his own taste. It would be really bad if James got mad, no way of knowing who he’d tell or what would happen. “I – I can pay you for the food and everything,” He paused unsure of himself, “If that is what you want.”

“I don’t want your payment.” James said sourly getting to his feet, “I want you to like me. To want me like I want you.”

“I do like you.” Shepard said slowly crawling back to the basket on all fours, “Just sit and we’ll finish this, okay?”

James sat down again with a frown.

Shepard inched closer, “You can feed me if you want to,” He whispered, knowing he was lying like hell, but right now he just had to save the situation, he couldn’t afford to have James angry at him. “Really.” He nodded.

“No you didn’t.” James muttered. “Are you still hung up on that fuckwit Alenko?”

“No!” Shepard said, hoping his answer wasn’t hesitant, for whatever reason. “That’s not it.”

“Then what is it?” James asked getting more annoyed, “You like me, but you don’t. We used to have fun, remember that? Back before any of this.”

Shepard bit his lip, he recalled their fling just fine, but it was mutual benefit, James looked after Shepard and protected him from the creepiest patrons, and in turn, Shepard gave him a little sugar. It had worked perfectly. “I remember.” Shepard finally said.

“So what is the problem?”

Shepard closed his eyes, “No problem.” He mumbled.

“Don’t lie to me.” James grabbed Shepard’s arm hard, making him flinch.

Shepard’s first instinct was to call him out on his absurdity, but he needed to get out of this situation, fast. On the other hand, if he gave James what he wanted, what was to keep him from coming back for more? “I’m not lying.” Shepard said hoping that James wouldn’t notice how scared he was.

“Fuck you.” James spat.

“No, no...” Shepard whispered urgently with a shaking voice, reaching out for James, “Come on don’t be mad, we can fix this.”

“What the hell did he do to you?” James asked, but he didn’t swat Shepard’s hand away “I just don’t understand why would you wish that I wouldn’t pursue you. And why do you shy from my touch?” James asked, looking absolutely heartbroken.

“It’s this place.” Shepard said, not entirely sure if he meant it or not.

“Not the kindest place, true.” James admitted, “But I have never hurt you.”

“No you haven’t.” Shepard whispered he bit his lip and swiftly looked over his shoulder; he paused, as James looked slightly crestfallen. “I’m not yours to have, it’s that simple.” Shepard explained with a soft voice.

For a long while James just sat and stared down at the space between their knees, “Tell me you don’t miss it.”

“Miss what?” Shepard asked gently, “Freedom or a lover?”

“Yeah.” James answered softly.

“Sure.” Shepard said with a little shrug, “But I just have to cope with it and work with what I got.”

“You know, back at Plastique I wish I could have warned you.” James smiled dismissive, “Maybe I should have, but I’m not sure you would have listened – you were too hung up on that asshole.”

“Warned me about Kaidan?” Shepard asked, not sure where James were going with this, or even why he was telling him. “Or warned me about you?”

“I know what you did for the Turian.” James said without blinking, “I never told anyone.”

“Thank you.” Shepard said in all honesty, not sure how else to react, but filed it away under things to remember about James Vega.

“So why don’t you trust me?” James said placing a warm hand on top of Shepard’s thigh. “All I want is someone to spend time with, someone to love – I mean you, I want to be with you.”

Shepard looked at James’ anticipating face, not sure how to respond to that. “You’d have to get permission from my master.” He said softly, congratulating himself on the smooth save.

-*-

It was weeks before Shepard saw James again, and when he did the bulky man wore a shit-eating grin. “Put down your shovel, Shepard.” He said, “And come, I have a surprise for you – and this time one you’d love.”

“Really?” Shepard asked puzzled, looking over his shoulder at Sonis who wasn’t looking his way. “Did you…”

“I talked to Groto.” He shrugged, “Alright so more like _negotiated_ with Groto, and gave him the only thing he really respects, and in turn he let me have you for a day a week.”

“That’s great.” Shepard said slowly, his voice flat and tired.

“Come now.” James pulled Shepard’s arm and guided him out the garden to the gates. “I made dinner reservations.” He smiled, “Step up from a basket in the garden amirite?”

“Outside?” Shepard asked in blank disbelief, he pointed at the busy street outside the gates, “In Jalnor? Out there?”

“Yes.” James said. “You are mine till tomorrow morning.”

“Oh.” Shepard nodded slowly, “Alright.”

“First of all we need to get you some different clothes, because that thing you’re wearing won’t get you in anywhere.” James said, “I took the liberty of getting you some I hope you fit, come on.” James hauled him off again, this time towards the main house and James’ quarters.

James was smiling like a child come Christmas as he handed the parcel to Shepard, “Hope you like it.”

Shepard took the parcel and slowly unpacked it, it was black pants and boots, and a red shirt, looked his size all right. “Thank you.” He smiled at James, and for a moment, he just stood there until he realized that he was supposed to change into the new clothes right here. The thoughts raced in Shepard’s mind, James meant well, but really it was no different from anyone else, James also wanted him to be someone else, someone who fit James’ needs. He bit down any bitter remark he might have had as he swiftly changed clothes trying to forget about James standing there watching, waiting. After all he would get outside this prison, and with a freedom like that, came opportunities.

“You look fantastic.” James said, walking over to Shepard turning him around so he could see from all angles. “Perfect.”

“I love them, thank you.” Shepard said, daring a smile.

“So once we finished eating, we can go anywhere you’d like in Jalnor, anywhere you want to go in particular.”

Shepard looked down at his feet in the nice black boots, “I actually never have been out in Jalnor like that.”

“What about a movie then?” James asked, ignoring Shepard’s comment.

Shepard nodded. “Sounds nice.” He wanted to ask what James had paid, because even if he hadn’t come straight out and said it, Shepard knew that the only thin Groto respected was credits and power.

-*-

Shepard was still trying to take it all in as they were seated at their table at the restaurant, “I never thought there was so much life out here,” He laughed a little feeling stupid, “I just never saw normal people here.”

James just smiled and filled Shepard’s glass, “I’m glad you like it.”

Shepard tried his hardest not to wolf down the food on his plate and remember his manners. “So what movie were you thinking of?” He asked casually.

“I don’t know,” James shrugged, “There is some detective movie running, everyone is talking about it, maybe we should go see that?”

Shepard nodded. If he closed his eyes it would feel almost normal, the hum of the other patrons talking, the scent of food and the pleasant feeling of being full and the taste of wine in his mouth. Never had he missed Kaidan as much as he did right now, this was supposed to be theirs, but it wasn’t.

It was dark when they walked back through the streets it had been a mediocre movie. Still it made Shepard sadder than anything, it was sort of cruel to remind him of the life he could have had, that he had wanted and dreamed of, only to take him back to his prison at the end of the day. “James?” Shepard asked softly, “I have a favor to ask you.”

“Yes?” James said, wrapping his arm around Shepard’s shoulder.

“I need to talk to Garrus.” Shepard said in a near whisper.

“No.” James said, “Too dangerous.”

“Please.” Shepard stopped and looked at James in the street light. “I just need to make sure he is okay.” Upping his game Shepard wrapped his arms around James’ waist. “You could let me borrow your chit and use a public terminal, no one would know.”

James looked torn, “You can’t – what if…”

“Please… He was my _friend_ James! He was your friend too. I just want to hear his voice.” Shepard smiled a little hopeful smile at James’ conflicted expressions.

James looked directly down into Shepard’s blue eyes, “You have five minutes, no more, no less. And don’t make me regret it.”

“You won’t.” Shepard whispered, obediently following as James hauled them towards a diner, he ordered a cup of coffee for them both and then discretely handed Shepard his chit. “Five minutes.” James whispered.

Shepard took the chit and made a beeline for the public terminal. His heart was hammering as he slid in the chit and typed in Garrus’ ID number. He almost gave up as the counter reached one minute and Garrus had not picked up. He wasn’t sure he’d get this chance again.

[Hello?]

“Garrus?” Shepard whispered into the microphone, and then laughed softly, “Garrus...”

[Shepard?]

“Yes, Garrus I don’t have much time.” He looked up at the timer counting his minutes on the phone, “I need a favor, it’s real fucking important.” He whispered.

[Of course. Was it too much with a courtesy call? And why are you whispering?]

“Long story.” Shepard said, turning his head smiling over at James at a table stirring his coffee. “I need you to find Kaidan for me, tell him I am alive and in Jalnor, on Lorek. _Please_ Garrus.”

[Kaidan? Jalnor? What the hell is going on?]

“Please Garrus my time is almost up here, Kaidan Alenko with a K, the guy that got you off Omega. Remember him?” Shepard looked up at the timer; he had under a minute left.

[Ah yes I remember him. So I find him, then what?]

“Tell him I’m on Lorek, In Jalnor” He paused and took a deep breath, “At Groto’s house.”

[You went back there?]

“No, not willingly. Look Garrus I gotta go, this is dangerous for both you and me, take care and find Kaidan.” Shepard whispered as the timer hit 05:00. “Miss you.” And then he hung up, pulling out the credit chit and went back to James and sat down opposite of him, smiling wide. “Thank you James.”

“So was he doing well?” James asked casually.

“Yes.” Shepard said with a nod, accepting the cup of coffee that James pushed towards him. “It was really good to know he is okay,” He shrugged, “Maybe all this wasn’t for nothing you know? I did _one_ good thing.”

James nodded.

They sipped their coffee in silence until James placed a hand on Shepard’s on top of the table. “Couldn’t it be nice if we could do this every week? Like I don’t know, sorta a regular date night? Getting to know each other again.”

Shepard had to force himself to swallow the coffee in his mouth, and not laugh at James; there was nothing near normal about this! Date night? Had he lost his mind? “Yeah that would be nice.” Shepard answered softly, willing himself not to remove his hand from under James’. For a split second he looked up at looked James square in the eyes, he looked completely calm and happy. And that scared Shepard more than anything.

James squeezed Shepard’s hand, “I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.”

For an insane moment, Shepard wanted to laugh and never stop. “I know.” He said with a little smile.

-*-

This went on for a couple of months, James would pick Shepard up in the morning and had different outfits he wanted him to wear, and different places he wanted to go. He would correct Shepard all the time, walk this way, eat this way, sit like this, smile like that. And Shepard did it - like a trained monkey he just accepted all James’ weird kinks, just to get out of Groto’s house. But truthfully, Shepard got more and more nervous for the moment when that wouldn’t be enough. He could just imagine it, turn like this, moan like that. He would have laughed if it wasn’t a terrible reality.

“You know what it is this week?” James asked as he guided Shepard through the mass of people. When Shepard just shook his head, James continued, “It’s Frell, the Batarian celebration of love, it’s a festival that last a week.”

“Oh, Yeah I heard of it.” He said busy suppressing memories from before he was shipped off to Omega.

“So I was thinking that we should do something romantic, you know in the spirit of the festival.” James said.

“Like what?” Shepard asked, not sure what to expect.

“I made a hotel room reservation, a nice one with room service and everything.” James said, “You’ll love it.”

“I’m sure.” Shepard muttered and let James guide him to the hotel.

At the desk the receptionist looked over the couple and then at the reservation, “Welcome back Mr. Vega, but I’m afraid It only says one person.” The receptionist said. “Mr. Vega?” He looked at the two men.

“I’ll pay extra.” James said and placed his hand on the offered palm scanner.

“Thank you Mr. Vega” the receptionist said as the scanner made a little ding. “And who are you?” He looked at Shepard.

The lobby was full of people, visiting Jalnor for the holidays, families, couples, and single people. He took a deep breath and lifted the pink shirt that James got him, and held down in his belt to show his brand, “105” Shepard mumbled as he waited patiently while the receptionist took a scanner and ran over the brand. “Groto Ib-ba.” He mumbled, “There’s no warnings so I suppose you can go up.” The receptionist looked at James, “We have to raise your liability deposit sir.”

“It’s fine.” James said and accepted the key-card, “Happy Frell to you.”

“And happy Frell to you as well.” The receptionist said with a smile.

He guided Shepard up the stairs. Shepard didn’t want to look back over his shoulder because he could only imagine the stares. James led him to the door and opened it. The first Shepard saw as he opened the door was a human young man, he couldn’t have been much more than twenty, waiting naked on the bed.

“Ah, Shepard this is  ... uhm...” James gestured at the boy.

“Mouse, Sir.” The boy said softly.

“Mouse.” James repeated.

Shepard just stood rooted to the spot, waiting for an explanation. James walked into the room and picked some food items from the pre-ordered room service trolley. “So Shepard, it’s up to you.”

“What is?” Shepard mumbled, staring at the boy who turned to hide his own brand on the left side of his ribs.

“What you want to do with him.” James said with a shrug, “He is my present to you for Frell.” He studied Shepard, “I am trying to respect that you don’t want to fuck me, but maybe you wanted to fuck him, I don’t mind, I’ll just stay over here and watch. Or we could both fuck him… It’s up to you.” James said smiling, and Shepard was sure he had lost his fucking mind completely.

“I...” Shepard looked from the kid to James, “Thank you.” He smiled something more akin to a tick. “James? Could I maybe get a moment with him alone? He looks terribly nervous.”

“So? Give him some of the tablets in the drawer on your left.” James said, sitting down in a plush chair with a drink in his hand.

“I will.” Shepard said, “But please?”

James shrugged, “I suppose I could go get another bottle of wine from the bar.” He stood up, “You got till I’m back, if you decide you don’t want your present, then I am going to get my money’s worth before we go home.”

“No worry.” Shepard smiled stiffly, “I appreciate your gifts, I always do.”

The second James was out the door, Shepard turned to Mouse, “Listen up, we’re gonna give him what he wants, but I need him to fall asleep.” Mouse looked confused, “I need his credit chit, and make phone call, and he can’t know.” Shepard said, opening the drawer on the side table pulling out the blister package with pills, “I need some, you?” he popped three out in his hand.

“Yes please.” Mouse muttered and took the offered package.

Shepard reacted on practice and dropped his shirt on the floor as he walked over to the table with foods and drinks, “Fuck why isn’t there anything stronger than wine?” He turned to Mouse, “Toss me those red sand pills.” Shepard said “Hurry.” He emptied the rest of the package in the wine and shook it, “Let’s hope an overdose of this works.” He picked up the empty package and went back to the bed just in time for James to walk through the door.

Shepard closed his eyes and leered as the red sand started to work, and Mouse’s hands on his skin just did crazy things to his cock, and before his pants were off he was afire. And just like Shepard had thought James barked commands from his chair, luckily, Mouse was professional and just twisted and turned, arched and moaned on command.

When they finished they both lay on the bed panting, James had started on his second bottle of wine. Mouse turned to his side, popping up on an elbow. “Now it makes sense.” He whispered, and touched Shepard’s brand.

“I’m sorry for all this.” Shepard whispered, pulling Mouse closer so James couldn’t see what he said.

“He’s still awake.” Mouse whispered.

“I know.” Shepard whispered back, “Fuck.” He slowly sat up and looked at James, giving him his best dirty look, “Why don’t you come over here?” He spread his legs as an invite, “I’m still hard.”

James grinned, “Dipped the red sand did you?”

“Maybe.” Shepard ran a hand down Mouse’s side, grabbing the kids hand and guided it to his chest. “Come on James, like old times.”

James stood on wobbly legs and got out of his clothes as gratuitously as he could manage. “I knew you’d beg for it eventually.” James grinned drunken.

“You know me well.” Shepard mumbled as he pulled James in for a filthy kiss, noting James’ lack of an erection, hoping it meant he was too drunk already.

James pulled back from the kiss, roughly pushing two fingers inside Shepard, “He fucked you good and lose.” He muttered, “Turn around on all four.” Shepard obeyed straight away twisting around with James’ fingers inside him still.  James fucked Shepard with his fingers, caressing him with his other hand. He added two more fingers without much finesse, and pushed so hard Shepard almost tumbled forward. Shepard looked up at Mouse seeing nothing but empathy there.

James caught on and stopped thrusting his hand and just twisted his fingers inside Shepard, “Are you that hot for his boy-pussy?” He slurred, “Eat it then.”

Shepard turned halfway around, looking at James over his shoulder, “Let him fuck his own ass, I want _you_.” Shepard bit his lip when James pulled the fingers out of his ass, and with a little wink to Mouse, he sat up watching as James lay down on the bed. He still had no erection.

Mouse watched James watching him, and he slowly started to touch himself, out of the corner of his eyes seeing Shepard pushing James’ legs apart, disappearing down between the firm thighs. James closed his eyes in bliss, and reached out to lay one hand on Mouse’s thigh, and one on Shepard’s head.

James opened his eyes halfway and watched Mouse fucking himself, moaning softly. James wet his lips, slowly closing his eyes. 

Shepard Slowly stopped and got to his knees looking down at James. “He’s out cold.” He whispered.

Mouse nodded and with professional ease just sat up in the bed stretching his back, and left for the bathroom.

Shepard left him to it, and crawled off the bed; he walked over to the food trolley and downed a glass of wine from the new bottle that James had bought. “You fucking lost your mind.” He mumbled, and then turned to rummage through James’ pants after his credit chit. He heard Mouse turn on the water. “Found it.” Shepard smiled victoriously at the chit. He walked to the bathroom, not to risk waking James, “Hey kid, can you stay here? I have to go find a public terminal; I can’t call from this hotel.”

Mouse shut off the water and grabbed a towel. “You can’t, what if they won’t let you in again?” he stated flatly.

“True.” Shepard sighed. “I will just have to hope he never checks.” Shepard shrugged. “Inserted the chit and dialed Kaidan’s ID, his heart beat to the point where he was dizzy as he waited.

[Yes?]

“K-Kaidan?” Shepard whispered in the phone, his smile so big it hurt.

[John?]

“Yes.”

[When Garrus called me and told me you were alive on Jalnor, I thought it was bullshit, another ruse.]

“It’s not.” Shepard whispered.

[I know – I contacted someone I know in Jalnor, and she reported back to me that you were very much alive, and apparently very friendly with James Vega, that asshole doorman from Plastique. What is he even doing there?]

“Please baby, it’s not like that.” Shepard begged, ignoring the strange look he received from Mouse. “What am I supposed to do?”

[Not jump on the first dick you see?]

“Please Kaidan, Oh God, please – I didn’t.” Shepard’s eyes welled with tears, he was tired of being on guard all the time, pretending he was okay and that this didn’t bother him, all he had to cling to was the memory of Kaidan and everything he ruined. “I’m sorry for everything,” He managed to mumble.

[I’m sure you are, when you are stuck on Jalnor.]

Shepard didn’t answer he just broke down crying, he didn’t know what he had hoped, that Kaidan would save him? “I shouldn’t have called you.” He whispered.

[John?]… [John?]

“Yes.” Shepard choked out.

[Are you safe?]

“No.”

For a while it was silent except from Shepard’s hushed sobs.  [What exactly is it you want from me?]

Shepard shook his head slowly, “I don’t know.”

[Don’t cry.]

“I can’t help it.” Shepard mumbled, “I’m just so tired. And I just wanna go home – to you.”  Shepard whispered. “I’m sorry I was so confused and bitter – I... I don’t know why, or how to apologize.” He paused for a while, his chest full of words he didn’t really want to say but felt he would burst if he didn’t. “I can’t do this again, I can’t be someone’s property anymore.”

[Did you know about Miranda?]

“No.” Shepard mumbled, running a hand over his shortly cropped hair, not sure what to say about that. “Did you really check on the market to see what I was worth?”

[Yes.]

Shepard looked up at Mouse who just stood there with food in his hand, but had abandoned eating, his eyes wet for Shepard’s misery.

[I had to know]

“Sure.” Shepard whispered.

Mouse hunched down and held his balance with a hand on each of Shepard’s knees looking up into his puffy face, “Let him go.”

Shepard nodded, he knew Mouse was right this was nothing but torture; he had to acknowledge that Kai Leng had been right, and that there was no white knight. There was only this, and this was his life now. There was no reason in beating himself up over pissing his chance away with Kaidan. “I, uhm gotta go.”

[John.]

“Yes.”

[I loved you.]

“Thank you.” Shepard whispered, “For what it’s worth then – I…”  He didn’t finish the sentence and just pulled the chit from the terminal. “Fuck!”

Mouse hadn’t moved, he was still looking up at Shepard. “Love is a luxury people like us just don’t have.”

“True.” Shepard ran a hand over Mouse’s hair gently. “I had freedom, for one glorious moment in my life I had something else than this.” He nodded at James on the bed.

“Is he your master?” Mouse asked bluntly.

“No.” Shepard felt tears welling up again, “He pays for me when he wants to go out and play normal couple. Shit… I can’t do this Mouse.”

“Don’t give up.” Mouse said softly, “Are you born here on Jalnor?”

“No.” Shepard said sadly, “I’m from a small colony, mom, dad and – whatever it’s a very long time ago.”

“I am.” Mouse said, “I’m born here, branded before I had baby teeth.” He looked intently up at Shepard. “I want something else too, but I don’t know how.”

“That is… that is terrible.” Shepard pulled Mouse in for a hug, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, not your fault.” Mouse smiled and slipped out of Shepard’s arms, and after a silent moment asked, “Are you afraid? Of dying I mean.”

“No.” Shepard said in complete honesty. “Impending death is a condition of life here on Jalnor.”

“True.” Mouse nodded. “Grab his chit and his pants and we make a run for it.”

“But we have no ID, how are you going to get through customs?” Shepard asked.

“Natural charm?” Mouse said, “You had training in a harem, I can tell.”

Shepard frowned and nodded, “Yeah. But it’s been a while.”

“What’s the worst that can happen?” Mouse shrugged. “Death? So what. At least we died free.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t have done so much red sand, this is crazy.” Shepard mumbled rubbing his face in his hands.

“It’s the sanest thing I heard in years.” Mouse said, “If you don’t want to come, it’s fine, but I’m going.”

Shepard worried his lip between his teeth, if he did this it could go horribly wrong, there were after all worse things than death. Though he doubted he meant enough to his master anymore for him to bother with a transfer, a bullet was cheaper. “Alright.” Shepard said, “Alright let’s go.”

Mouse smiled wide and got dressed, his flimsy clothes didn’t exactly hide what he was, but it wouldn’t matter as long as it was Frell.

It was with a hammering heart Shepard descended into the lobby with Mouse at his side. “Check out please.” The clerk said and held out the palm scanner. Shepard lifted up in his shirt again and let the clerk hand scan his brand, and then he scanned Mouse as well. “Can I ask where your supervisor is?”

“Master Vega wished to sleep, he got quite drunk.” Shepard said, “I am a gardener, and I have duties when the sun rises, if you do not believe me, you can hand scan me.”

The clerk turned to Mouse, “And you were paid for the evening I assume.”

“Yes.” Mouse said, “I too have to return to my master’s house.”

The clerk looked over the data, “Yeah Sómer Jag, I see the order.” He looked up at Shepard and Mouse, “Alright you can go.”

“Thank you.” Mouse said and turned and walked calmly towards the door. “Holy fuck he whispered.”

“You don’t say.”

“First thing’s first.” Mouse said, “We need to transfer his credits to a different chit.” He grabbed Shepard’s hand, “Come!”

They hurried down alleys and streets, “I know this guy who can do this for a favor.” Mouse said with a little hurried smile, “Don’t worry, I’ll deal with it – you keep lookout okay? Knock on the door if you see anything weird.”

“Alright.” Shepard said confused and dizzy, he couldn’t believe he did this! It wasn’t really too late to turn around, but the thought of his tiny cold cot, and James’ weird infatuation which he knew would come to a crossroads soon, and when it did it would end badly. No this was right, Mouse was right. If they died, they died trying.

-*-

They had slept in an empty flat in the slums, and Shepard was woken with his stomach growling and his head pounding. Mouse wasn’t there, would he abandon him now? Would he take James’ fake chit and make off? Shepard rolled up into a ball and figured that no matter what he couldn’t deal with it right now, his head hurt so much that he was sure he’d puke if he sat up.

About an hour later Mouse came back, he had gotten himself some real clothes, and looked very different without all the gold glitter and flimsy fabric. “Shepard,” He shook Shepard gently. “I got some clothes for you, I’m not sure they fit, but it is what it is.” He smiled at Shepard’s bloodshot eyes. “Come on.”

Shepard slowly sat up and took the clothes, “Thanks.”

“So officially no one is looking for us – yet.” Mouse said, “There is nothing in the news, so that is good.”

“Yeah.” Shepard mumbled while he slowly got into the clothes that Mouse brought.

“Still think we need to lay low for a couple of days before we attempt to get off planet.” Mouse said.

-*-

Shepard was staring into the metal roof of the vent, thinking about this last month they had been hiding in the shadows, slept whenever and wherever it seemed safe, while he was waiting for sleep to take him. Mouse was pressed up against him, breathing steadily. “It’s like a casket.” Shepard mumbled.

“Yeah.” Mouse mumbled. “I’ve been thinking, that _maybe_ it’s time we make for the port, and get off planet.”

“Me too.” Shepard said. “But what if they have a bounty out? We wouldn’t know that. I really don’t think Groto is bothered with this a second time, he thought I was damaged goods when I was returned last. So... yeah I don’t think he’s gonna pay for a bounty.”

“I don’t think my former master is bothered either.” Mouse said, “Besides I don’t think he has that kind of money.”

“What about you call that friend of yours?” Mouse whispered, “Maybe he is the best bet to get us off world without the hassle?”

Shepard smiled bitterly, sneezing from the dust in the vent. “I think he’s done getting me off _any_ world.” Shepard closed his eyes and yawned, “Most of all he is done with _me_.”

“Shame.” Mouse whispered.

“You have no idea.” Shepard mumbled, “I... uhm… I was rented out to this asshole on Omega, dancing. And I met Kaidan there, he was trying to find someone I knew for a bounty and well… he decided that I was more important than the bounty and paid to get me off Omega and to Earth with him.”

“That sounds romantic.” Mouse said softly.

“It was, for a little while.” Shepard whispered, “But I think something is wrong with me, and I never settled on Earth. I was restless and angry – I don’t know why.” Shepard sighed, “I think that maybe my mindset was still here in Jalnor even if my body was on Earth… Like I expected him to –“

“Always being watchful and paranoid.” Mouse mumbled.

“Yes.” Shepard whispered, “That’s it. I just waited for him to go back on his word. Because no one just does what he did for free. There is _always_ a price of some sorts.”

“I understand.” Mouse yawned.

“I should have trusted him, he is a good man.” Shepard sighed, “But that is the past”

“We have money.” Mouse whispered.

“Not enough.” Shepard chuckled. “But maybe if one of us has a bounty out, he would take that and take the other off world?”

“No.” Mouse turned around and settled again. “We do this together.”

-*-

Shepard was sure that the plan with just trying to get through customs would get them both killed, so when Mouse left the next morning, he went to a café that had a public terminal. He slid James’ chit in and called Kaidan’s ID. When it was picked up in the other end it had a lot of static, like from a portable device. “Kaidan?”

[John!]

“Did I call at a bad time? I can call back.” Shepard was biting a nail, more nervous than he wanted to admit.

[Where are you?]

“A café in Jalnor.” Shepard shrugged, “Look I called you with a proposition...”

[John…]

“No please hear me out.” Shepard whispered, he looked over his shoulder and then back at the terribly mangled feed of Kaidan. “Me and a friend need to get off world, and I don’t have any money… but if either me or Mouse has a bounty you can collect that, or collect the highest and get the other off world.” When the other end was silent, Shepard cleared his throat, “Please?” and to his surprise, Kaidan started laughing. The camera swung around he could see a sign but because the feed was bad, he couldn’t tell what it was. “I can’t see that.” He mumbled.

[It’s the Garenti.]

Shepard felt a pang of pain and surprise, “You’re in Jalnor?”

[Yep. So where are you?]

Shepard bit his lip, “Uhm… why?”

[What do you mean ‘why’? I’m here for you.]

“But why are you here for me?” Shepard whispered.

[You called me, remember?]

Shepard took a deep breath, this was not a conversation for a public terminal, because you never knew who was listening in. “There is a docking area for cargo in the far west end of Jalnor. Meet me by entrance D in an hour.”

[See you then.]

“Yes.” Shepard answered back before he pulled the chit, this felt wrong somehow. He wanted to trust Kaidan, he wanted to believe that he had been checking up on his bounty back then, because he wanted to know if it was high enough for another bounty hunter. But he just wasn’t sure. But on the other hand, he had offered himself up as payment, so he shouldn’t really be worried should he?

He left a message for Mouse at the vent where they had been sleeping, and left for the docking area, the whole way there his mind was racing with why Kaidan was here. Was he working for Groto? Would he just shoot him on sight? Then what about Mouse? Shepard laughed a little of himself, he had been here for too long. Kaidan would never shoot him. Or would he?

He couldn’t see Kaidan when he arrived, so he just crawled up on a container so it was easier to see far, he would see him coming from a long way away. And after a while, he saw someone walk down the alley for the D entrance, he strained his eyes to see if it was Kaidan.

The person came closer and he could recognize Kaidan, his stomach made a silly little flip. And Shepard inwardly berated himself, he didn’t have time to act like an idiot. This was business. He jumped off the container and walked over to Kaidan. “Alenko.” He smiled, “I’m glad you came.”

“Shepard.” Kaidan said looking up and down Shepard. “You look like shit.”

“The Jalnor look, it’s an acquired taste.” Shepard shrugged. “So are you going to tell me why you are here?”

Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest, “Because you called me.”

“Are you telling me that you came all the way here to – to… uhm... because I called you?” Shepard studied Kaidan carefully.

“You were crying.” Kaidan said with a defensive tone, but took a step closer to Shepard. “And maybe I was being an asshole... so yeah, I don’t really know what I’m doing here.”

Shepard smiled bitterly, “I have a bounty out, don’t I?”

“You do.” Kaidan said, “But I didn’t plan on collecting.”

“Why not?” Shepard shrugged.

“Because I despise your new master more than your old one.” Kaidan answered truthfully, “Look no tricks up my sleeve, and I’m not here to make you come home with me, I think I owe it to you to be happy. I will take you anywhere you wish, and you can start over.”

“My… my new master?” Shepard asked, feeling like an idiot.

“You mean you didn’t know?” Kaidan said studying Shepard with a worried frown. “Vega bought you off –“

“That’s right.” James cut in as he turned around a container and stood in the light to the left of Kaidan and Shepard.

“Wha- “ Shepard spun around to see if there was more, “How?”

“Groto decided that you’re not worth the hassle, so I got you at a discount.” James said with a smile.

“But...” Shepard looked over at Kaidan who was scanning the surroundings. 

“Taking off with my money Shepard… Really?” James said with a pout, “I thought I was being good to you.”

“You were!” Shepard argued, “I…” And then he shook his head, “No, I’d rather die right here than going back to belonging to anyone.”

“Is that a fact?” James said coldly, “If I were you, I’d reconsider that statement.” He held up his arm and signaled to someone, and a moment later a body was tossed from a container, Shepard instantly recognized Mouse. “So here is where we are.” He placed his foot on Mouses’ head, grinding his skull against the concrete. Mouse was barely conscious but enough so that he whimpered.

Shepard looked at Mouse in horror, so that was how they’d found him. But he knew how Kai Leng made you tell things you swore you’d take to your grave. And he felt no anger, just pity and sorrow. “Let him go.” He mumbled.

“And I will.” James said with a smile, “See this is how it works, you come over here and we leave this fucking cesspool of a planet together. And the fuckwit over there can save this kid if he feels like it.” James looked directly up at Shepard, “If not, you all die, and we’re gonna start with him.”

At the words ‘we’ Shepard looked up and saw a figure up on the top of the office building in the middle of the docking area. He looked down at Mouse and then over at Kaidan. “Tell him to kill me then.” Shepard said.

“John!” Kaidan hissed, instinctively taking a step closer to Shepard.

James shrugged, and aimed his pistol at Mouse’s thigh and fired.

“No!” Shepard cried, Mouse just whimpered and weakly attempted to get free from under James’ boot. “Stop!”

“Gladly.” James said, holding out a hand for Shepard to take. “Come along then.”

“James.” Shepard said hesitantly taking a step out closer to James, “Why are you doing this?”

“I couldn’t make you love me, but I _can_ make you mine.” James said. “You’ll learn to love me over time.”

“That’s not how it works Vega.” Kaidan stated angrily.

“Oh I know, but over time I’m sure that will change.” James said, aiming his gun at Kaidan, “This asshole needs to disappear though.”

“No James!” Shepard reacted without thinking, and just jumped in front of Kaidan. He pushed Kaidan away and stepped towards James. “Alright! If I go with you, you leave Mouse and Kaidan alone.”

James seemed to consider it, and then aimed his gun at Mouse, shooting him straight through the head, blood and chunks spraying up on his boots. “No deal.” James said.

“NO!” Shepard screamed, “What is _wrong_ with you?”

“I hate lose ends.” James stated, “Now for the last time, come.” He held out his hand again.

Shepard looked over his shoulder at Kaidan, and then took a deep breath and hesitantly started to walk towards James.

“You can’t!” Kaidan yelled behind him.

“Of course he can.” James said with a smile, “Face it Alenko, you lost.”

“You are fucking crazy!” Kaidan growled.

“Maybe.” James said, grabbing Shepard’s hand as soon as he came close enough. “But he’s mine, and that is all that matters.” He smiled at Shepard, “Even if you have been bad,” James kissed Shepard’s temple, “I forgive you.”

Shepard closed his eyes and controlled his breathing, this was it – if he went for James’ gun he might up dead, but he couldn’t go with James, he had promised himself that he’d never again belong to anyone. He looked over at Kaidan who was deeply engaged in a shouting match with James.  He knew Leng was watching from the roof, and that the possibility that Kaidan would walk out of here was slim to none. With a swift move Shepard went for James’ gun, grabbed it but slipped on Mouse, and fell flat on his back.

The entire docking bay went completely silent, the chaotic screaming stopped the moment that Shepard landed on his back, and in one insane moment Shepard wondered if he had gone deaf. He realized he was holding James, gun and with shaking hands aimed it at James. “I am not leaving with you.” Shepard said flatly, wondering where this calm came from. “You do not own me.”

“Oh but I do.” James said softly, staring at the gun more than Shepard. “You’ll never be free; you are just an asset to whoever happens to own your papers. I bought you to keep you safe, to give you a future. Why do you fight me on this Shepard?”

“You bought me because you wanted to.” Shepard answered back.

“I wanted to train you and we could take up contract elsewhere, you and me.” James said, still not moving. “I know you Shepard… We are alike! None of us is domesticated, you will never be happy in a little house playing family. We are a different breed.”

“You don’t know _shit_ about me.” Shepard hissed.

“If that fuckwit over there goes for his gun, Leng will shoot him before he even aims.” James said with a little smile.

Shepard swallowed hard, knowing that James was right, so he aimed the gun at his own head instead. “I don’t care.” Shepard said, staring directly at James, “I got nothing to lose anymore; do _you_?”

“John, don’t.” Kaidan called somewhere behind him.

“I lost everything James, the only thing I got left is choosing how to end it.” Shepard said.

James took a step forward to get the gun from Shepard, and as he bend over to get the gun, Shepard turned the barrel and fired directly at James. James flew back from impact, and Shepard scrambled away. Trying to shoot again, when the gun just made a weird click sound. “Shit, fuck...” Shepard mumbled as shaking hands tried to pull the slide. He felt arms pull him away, realizing that Kaidan was trying to pull him from Leng’s aim.

James groaned, and struggled to get up; Shepard gasped and pulled the slider harder, hoping to unjam the gun. “Kaidan!” He yelled.

But before any of them could react, James hit the ground and stayed down for good, Kaidan slowly got to his feet, looked over at James and then up at the office buildings roof. “He shot him.” Kaidan mumbled.

“That makes no sense.” Shepard mumbled, but then thought back to something Leng had said, that he only ever did what he did for money. So what if someone offered him more money? “Or… did you?”

“No.” Kaidan pulled Shepard to his feet. “Maybe Groto was fed up with his shit too?”

Shepard looked up at Leng, “He’s still there.”

“Hey.” Kaidan turned to Shepard, “I’m sorry… I’m sorry for everything, it was just not how I imagined it. I should have listened, shouldn’t I?”

“It’s okay.” Shepard said, caressing Kaidan’s cheek, smearing blood over it, “I should have told you.”

“I love you.” Kaidan whispered with a little sad smile, “And that was why I came here. I tried not to, but I couldn’t leave you to this. You deserve the best of the best, even if it’s not with me.”

“I’m glad you came.” Shepard said, pulling Kaidan closer to a kiss, closing his eyes as their lips met. “I love you too.”  He kissed Kaidan’s lips once more. “We aren’t getting out of here alive, you know that.”

“I do.” Kaidan whispered back, “We could make a run for it.”

“Or we could just stay here till he takes the shot.” Shepard mumbled, staring at Kaidan.

“We could.” Kaidan wrapped his arms around Shepard, and kissed him again. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” Shepard mumbled against Kaidan’s lips.

-*-

Kai Leng looked at them through the scope of his rifle. He had to give it to Shepard, he really did have more balls than most. But that didn’t change what he’d been paid to do. His order was to put James out of his misery, it had not gone unnoticed how unhinged he had become, and Groto had worried that he would jeopardize his business. So Leng had offered, not cheap but he had offered. He never liked that asshole anyway, you never ever mix business and pleasure. And you never ever let greed or emotions overcloud your better judgement or your mission.

Yet here he was wondering. He had been ordered to shoot Shepard, but he found it hard for some reason. He still didn’t like Alenko, and he wondered if he could aim his shot so he could wound Shepard and kill Kaidan. He was sure that Alenko wasn’t a stupid man, and would recognize the gift he had been given. Kai Leng sighed, and took the shot.

-*-

Shepard gasped, and collapsed in Kaidan’s arms. “No!” Kaidan yelled, “Goddammit!” He was so preoccupied with Shepard bleeding on the ground, that he didn’t see Kai Leng leave the roof. “John? John!”

“Yeah.” Shepard winced as Kaidan pressed down on the bleeding bullet wound in Shepard’s side. “You’re okay.” He mumbled dazed, “That’s good.”

“But you’re not.” Kaidan argued, his voice breaking over.

“I’m fine.” Shepard smiled as he closed his eyes.

“I am going to buy you a house on Horizon, and you can have as much earth to grow wild things in as you want.” Kaidan said attempting to sound calm, but his voice carried a panic-stricken tone as the blood kept flowing out from under his hands.

“Sounds nice.” Shepard whispered.

“You can’t die here! Godammit John!  Open your eyes!” Kaidan cried.

Shepard opened his eyes and looked up at Kaidan with a dull glazed look in his eyes. “You found me. You came for me…” He took a shuddering breath, “Made me happy.”

-*-

Kaidan landed with the commercial shuttle on Horizon, he blinked against the stark sunlight as he got out of the shuttle. Why was it always so damn bright here? He tried to come here as often as he could, but he didn't have much downtime.

He walked with purpose through the settlement till he came to the unit that he had bought. He stopped at the fence that surrounded it and braced himself. Opening the chain fence, he was pounced on by three varren.

Shepard looked out through the door. “Kaidan! Boys, get off him.” He laughed and limped out to greet Kaidan. “I said shoo,” He shooed off the varren, and wrapped his arms around Kaidan’s neck and kissed him. “Welcome back stranger.”

“Hey babe.” Kaidan smiled against Shepard’s lips. “Who’s the third?”

“Oh that is Ruth.” Shepard laughed a little at himself, “I guess she was hungry.”

“Are you telling me that the fence is still open to the back?” Kaidan shook his head amused. “You are crazy.”

“I hate keeping them locked up, and well I know they’re here because they want to be. Is that really so weird?” Shepard argued and kissed Kaidan quickly again before he let go and walked up to the house again.

The limp made Kaidan cringe, “How’s your hip?” Kaidan asked, “It looks bad.”

“Better.” Shepard lied.  

Walking through the door to Shepard’s home, Kaidan did send Kai Leng a thought, a man like Leng didn’t miss; his shot was on purpose to maim not to kill. Sometimes he felt like telling Shepard, but Shepard refused to talk about that day. But maybe he knew it too, that Leng had given them this gift, this opportunity to sort their shit out, be it as it may. The world thought that Shepard had died that day in Jalnor, his papers had been handed over, his brand was a crater of broken flesh and the scar made it impossible to see that there had once been something else there. A life for a pound of flesh – Not a bad deal at all. 

The man with the limp was now John Unger, botanist and local excentric, and Kaidan loved him just as much if not more than he had ever loved John Shepard.


End file.
